


Like Broken Glass

by tumblr_is_dead



Category: SKAM (France), SKAM (Spain)
Genre: F/F, i really dont know what im doing here, im just fucking around, its gonna get angsty, pretty much a prequel to both of their stories
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:34:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25020994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tumblr_is_dead/pseuds/tumblr_is_dead
Summary: - "My first relationship was with a girl."- "Were you together for a long time?"- "A few months, super intense…"In which Lola Lecomte was Joana's first girlfriend.
Relationships: Joana Bianchi/Lola Lecomte
Comments: 22
Kudos: 92





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> before you start reading I wanna say that English isn't my first language and this is actually my first time writing a full thing in it so bare with me. Feel free to correct me if I make any mistakes (which is most likely gonna happen). Anyways, full inspo credit for this goes to @sadkru on YouTube and Twitter because their edit was what made me think of this ship in the first place.

Joana was 16 years old when she met _her_. She had just transferred schools. The third time in two years. For some reason, she really wasn't the best at finding friends and fitting in. One time she had been expelled for losing it, two times her parents had decided that it would be better for her to change schools. And every time she had stepped into one of those three schools she could feel everyone's eyes on her, eveyone's eyes judging her. She had always felt different. She had never felt like she belonged with other kids her age. There just was something about her that didn't sit quite right with other teenagers. Most of the time, Joana didn't understand herself or her actions either. She didn't know why she lost her temper so easily sometimes, she didn't know why any kind of feelings seemed so overwhelming to her, she didn't know why sometimes, it felt like the whole world was laughing at her or only wanted her to feel bad... She just blamed it on puberty, at the time. But if others at her age could contain themselves, why couldn't Joana do it? She would receive answers to that question in a little over a year, but when she met _her_ , everything had been a lot different.

Joana had entered the school building and headed towards the principal's office. Thankfully there were enough signs pointing out where to go, so she didn't have to ask other students. She would have probably just ended up embarrassing herself. This school looked a lot different from the one's she had attended before. More modern, brighter...The students on the other hand seemed like in every other school in the country. Teenage girls with straightened hair, tight cropped tops and skinny jeans. For some reason, they all looked the same to Joana. And the boys? Well, it was no different with them. Zero diversity. Everyone seemed to have the same hairstyle, the same kind of shoes, the same kind of clothes...Joana kind of understood why. They didn't dare to do otherwise because they didn't want to come off any different. They all just wanted to fit in. And who could blame them? Joana had never fitted in, no matter where she was. No matter how she dressed or tried to behave. She had never managed to be like the other kids her age. So she knew how painful and stressing that could be.

She had to hurry to reach the principal's office in time. He awaited her at 8.15 and she only arrived at 8.20. She ran up the stairs and followed yet another sign that led her into the corridor to the right. And there it was. A little sign next to the first door said “Principal's Office”. Joana sighed in relief. She took one more deep breath before knocking on the door carefully.

After a talk with the principal that pretty much only resulted in her feeling bad about repeating the grade, even if her grades weren't that bad, Joana was left in the hallway again. She had a schedule for her classes and a plan of the building to find them (which was actually really helpful, more helpful than she thought in the beginning). Monday, first period, she had math class in the east wing. Surprisingly, she found it immediately, thanks to that plan. To be honest, that plan was better than any of the students that were supposed to show her around at her old schools. Again, human interaction was too much for her, most of the time. When she entered the room were math class was supposed to be, most of the seats were already taken. Sure, she was late. Joana looked around the room hoping she would be able to have a table for herself. That way, she wouldn't have to bother anyone by sitting next to them. But they were all taken by at least one person already. Everyone was talking and the people sitting alone were obviously waiting for someone, that wasn't Joana, to arrive. However, there was one girl in the back of the class sitting there alone and not seeming to wait for anyone. She just sat there fidgeting her fingers slowly and staring at her shoes. That girl seemed like she didn't wait for anything because she didn't care about anything. She really didn't care, Joana could see that. That girl wasn't talking to anyone because she felt different too. The entire way she was holding herself, the way her eyes were focused on nothing at all, really...Joana knew that feeling. This girl was similar to her. In a way, she understood that cute, brown haired 9th grader, even though she had never talked to her. Joana noticed some people looking at her. The way she just stood there and watched everyone, must have been too different again. She quickly lowered her view and looked at her shoes as she approached the back of the classroom, where this girl was sitting all alone.

Before she realized it, she found herself standing next to the her, just staring at her in a probably awkward looking way. The girl herself didn't even seem to notice. It was like she was captured in her own tiny world, without minding anything around her. Joana cleared her throat to give the girl a sign. It obviously took her a moment to realize, then she looked up at Joana. There was no emotion whatsoever behind her eyes. Her eyes looked so grey and almost lifeless that Joana was concerned if she was even there, for a moment. Then she realized that she had to talk now that she had the girl's attention. “Umm...” She nervously started rubbing her index finger and thumb together. A coping mechanism for uncomfortable situations she had built over the years. The girl raised her eyebrows. Joana knew exactly what she was thinking in this very moment. _What the hell? Who is this? What does she want from me?_ So she put herself together and opened her mouth again, this time more confident. “Is this seat taken?” The light brown haired girl looked kinda confused at first. Like she couldn't believe someone just asked her that. Joana couldn't figure out whether it was because she was in a similar situation like herself or if it was the opposite of that and she actually saved the seat for a friend. This was about to be found out though. The girl shook her head and mumbled something like: “No, it's free.” She pulled her bag, that had been laying on the side of the table that seemed free over to her side to make space for Joana to sit down. “Thanks.” Joana answered and sat down next to her. The girl didn't mind her at all. She didn't care, like with everyone else around her. Joana looked at her again. She looked more tired, now that she was closer to her. The bags under her eyes were huge and the entire way she was holding herself pretty much screamed exhaustion. It probably wouldn't be worth it trying to talk to her. Didn't seem like she was in the mood to talk to anyone. So Joana just took out her math book and placed it on the desk. 2 more minutes until class would start and all she could do was stare at this stranger next to her who did not seem to give a single fuck about all of this. School, the people, her appreance (her hair looked kinda greasy and her grey sweater had obviously been black once, she really could not have cared less) or what anyone thought about her.

Suddenly, Joana really did not see it coming, the girls eyes weren't on nothing in particular anymore, but on her. She just looked at her but this time, her eyes didn't look as empty as they did before. Joana looked back at her. If this girl was just going to sit there and stare at her, she would stare back. The girls eyes were obviously looking at her in a narrowly way, just the same as Joana had been looking at her, only a minute ago. “What's your name?”, she asked, finally. Joana grinned slightly. Apparently, she had gotten the girl interested in her. She did not seem like the kind of person to talk to someone they could not be bothered about. “Joana.” The girl nodded. “You're new?” She nodded in response. “Are you good at math, Joana?” She put a weird, unnecessary emphasis on her name. As if she did not want to leave any of it out. Joana shrugged. “I'm better at Literature.” The girl raised her eyebrows again. Seemed to be her thing. “Crap, I need someone to copy the homework from, for the rest of the year.” Joana chuckled. “You're that bad?” The girl nodded. “It's a catastrophe.” She obviously meant it in a funny way, but other than anyone else would have done it, she didn't laugh or chuckle or gave any sign about it being amusing afterwards. Joana looked back at her. She was still fidgeting, just like herself. “Then I can probably help you out.” “Thanks”, the girl said and almost smiled at her. Almost. The corners of her mouth didn't quite raise, but her eyes seemed a little less grey again. She leaned over to take out her book as well. For some reason she put it right next to Joanas even though there was plenty of space on her side of the table where she could have put it. “I'm Lola, by the way.” , she said while closing her bag again. Joana smiled at her subtly. “Good to know.” She paused for about one second, just like Lola had done it when saying her name. “Lola.”


	2. Chapter 2

From her first day on, Joana and Lola spent a lot of time just sitting next to each other and enjoying the silence. The thing with most kids around their age was that they were afraid of silence. As soon as no one was talking, they considered the situation uncomfortable. But Joana and Lola really didn't have to talk all the time. They spent four hours of school next to each other each week and barely even talked. But for some reason Joana felt like they had some kind of connection. She could have been completely wrong, but with the few times they spoke to each other, it felt like there was something else than just the math homework Lola copied from her holding them together. If they talked, they talked about simple things. Why Joana changed schools (She had only replied with “Had some problems at the old one”, which wasn't really a lie. Lola had obviously gotten the message, she didn't force her to go into it further), whether they liked coffee (Joana did, surprisingly Lola was more the tea type of person) or music they liked (Lola was into alternative rock like The Neighborhood, or maybe even Lorde, while Joana was more the type to listen to old Nirvana or Pink Floyd songs). Joana was kind of relieved that Lola and her got along. She would have felt like a hypocrite if she had only _thought_ she'd understand her. Misinterpreting behavior was something Joana did a lot. Back when she was younger it happened a lot more than now, but sometimes it still did happen and Joana was always scared of it. Embarrassing herself was something she had become really good at. However, when she was talking to Lola, she never felt like she had to be scared. Just because Lola and her were so similar to each other.

Unfortunately (at least in Joana's opinion), they never spoke outside of math class. At lunch, Lola sat alone most of the time. Sometimes she sat with a blonde girl Joana didn't know, but they didn't really seem like friends. As far as Joana had seen it, they talked even less than her and Lola did during class. Joana ate by herself too. Finding friends on this new school wasn't something she considered important. Not being viewed as the crazy girl that couldn't keep herself together was the goal she had set herself for this school. And as long as she could fulfill that and managed to not lose it, she was satisfied. When Joana left school grounds and Lola stood by the gate with a cigarette in the corner of her mouth, they greeted each other with a nod. When they saw each other in the hallway, they did the same thing. But other than that, they never really interacted outside of class. Joana had no idea why. Maybe Lola didn't find her interesting enough to actually talk to her. Maybe she didn't to talk to her. Maybe she didn't want to be friends. Joana was probably overthinking it all, as she liked to do. A thought that had also crossed her mind, was that maybe Lola felt the same way she did. Only passing the year without having to talk to anyone, without trying, without screwing up. If they really were as similar as Joana assumed they were, this wasn't even unlikely.

So one day, it was one of Joana's better days, in math class, Joana just turned to Lola and asked straight forward: “Do you wanna have lunch together later?” Lola took a moment to even react. It was something she always did. As if she thought about every little detail of every single sentence anyone ever said to her before even showing that she listened. She frowned. Joana couldn't tell if it was because the thought of them eating together seemed unenjoyable and unnecessary or because the question just hit her out of nowhere. Joana raised her eyebrows to signalize that she was waiting for an answer. Lola looked down for a second. Then she looked back right into Joanas eyes (something she had never done before) and smiled slightly. “Sure.” she said and turned back to the equation she was working on. It was this exact moment, the moment Lola smiled at her for the first time, that had Joana fall for her. Fall for this girl. She had liked girls before. Briefly. But that intense feeling inside her stomach was completely new. The way her heart raised, her stomach dropped and it felt like a billion butterflies were suddenly growing inside of her. Yes, it was a cheesy cliche to describe the feeling of falling in love like that, but it was just how it felt to her. Lola in the meantime had noticed that Joana was still looking at her. The purple haired girl had somehow managed to keep a straight face so Lola was just looking back at her with the same neutral facial expression she always put on. It was one of those brief moments where they just looked at each other for a few seconds and nothing around them mattered anymore. It was just the two of them in their tiny bubble where no one could interrupt them. When Joana took a deep breath and carried on with her exercise, Lola kept looking at her for a little while. Then she grabbed her pen and mumbled: “So lunch together...”

The one time of lunch together turned into them eating together on a daily basis. They still didn't talk that much but they didn't even need to. They understood each other without using words. The silence between them was even kind of comforting. There wasn't any pressure to talk. They just existed next to each other and they were happy with that. Lola and Joana had met at a dark point of their lives, even if they had never talked about that, and this kind of relationship was something that made them feel understood. Even if they had no idea what was going on in the other's life life, at this point. The two girls just knew that the other one was there and, even if they never talked about it, had a similar state of mind. That they weren't the only one's with problems and struggles. In a world where everyone always pretended to be perfect and only shared positive things about their lives, it was good to have each other.

Other than her friendship with Lola, Joana didn't really have anything else in this school. At home, her parents were mostly just annoying her. For some reason they always wanted to know every single little detail about her life. As if she wasn't allowed to have anything for herself. Deep down, she knew they cared about her and that's why they always wanted to know, but on the outside it felt like they were suffocating and just trying to control her. Joana kind of understood why though. She really wasn't an easy child. A lot of things about her were complicated. She had those intense mood swings, really wasn't the best at containing herself, never felt like she belonged anywhere... The list went on. Besides, it was perfectly normal for parents to ask about their kid's situation if they were now attending their fourth school in only three years. They wanted to know if she got along with the other students, her teachers, if the classes were manageable, if the food in the cafeteria was good... Understandable, her old schools had turned out as a place where Joana had slipped into toxic behaviors really easily. But this time it was different. Her old schools didn't have someone who seemed to be so similar to her. She had always felt like the only one that didn't fit it there (She hadn't been, but at the time it felt like it). Now she had Lola. She wasn't sure if they were really friends with how little they actually spoke, but at least she had someone to get lunch with and talk to from time to time. And someone who she may or may have not fallen for, which kind of gave her a will to carry on, even if she was pretty sure that this would just end up in her getting her heart broken over a straight girl again. But something about Lola just felt so new and different that Joana couldn't help it. She had fallen for this tiny, miserable, greasy 9th grader. But did she feel bad about it? Absolutely not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is a huge downgrade and all over the place compared to the first chapter but whatever. Maybe someone still likes it.


	3. Chapter 3

Throughout their third week of having lunch together Joana asked Lola who the blonde girl was. “What blonde girl?” Lola asked and took a sip of her juice. Joana's gaze was stuck on her. “The one you had lunch with sometimes.” Lola rolled her eyes while swallowing the sip of juice. “Oh god yeah.” She paused for a second to look back into Joanas eyes. “That's my sister.” Lola stopped her movements for a moment. Like she was thinking about what she had just said to make sure she didn't give Joana false information. “Or...I don't...” She stopped talking and took another sip. Then she just shrugged. Joana raised an eyebrow. She had never seen Lola at a loss of words before. She didn't want to keep digging, especially with how fragile Lola seemed about any of her personal information, but she kind of really wanted to know what she was going to say. “You don't what?” Joana slowly put her fork down and crossed her arms. She didn't want to seem pushy. Lola sighed. As usual, she took a moment to think about what the other person had said (or what she herself was going to say, Joana didn't have it figured out completely yet). Then she opened up her mouth avoiding Joanas gaze and answered: “It's all pretty odd. She's not even really my sister. And my parents...” She stopped talking and shrugged. “Maybe I'll tell you the story one day. It's just all kinda...” The older girl nodded while Lola paused again. “Fucked up.” 

Joana didn't take long to reply. Other than Lola, she often thought too less about what she was going to say. “Everything on this planet is kinda fucked up.” Lola raised her chin. “I mean, look around.” Joana continued. “They all just sit there on their phones trying to become popular and make a good selfie to post on Instagram. You've ever thought about how fucked up it is that kids around our age only care about stuff like that?” Lola turned around and looked around the cafeteria. Took a quick but certain look at every single one's of the tables. Then she turned back to Joana. “You mean it's them who are fucked up and not us?” Joana shrugged and smiled at the smaller girl. “Maybe. It's all a question of perspective.” 

Lola looked down and smiled shyly. It was one of the things Joana had noticed about her. When she smiled, it was always a shy, light smile. Almost like she didn't even know how to smile in an open, obvious way. And Joana had come to the conclusion that maybe this wasn't just a suspicion. That it actually was a fact. Lola really didn't know. Joana was a thoughtful person. She didn't waste any of those thoughts though. They were dedicated to things she was genuinely interested in and at the moment, she was genuinely interested in Lola. Lola who was now staring at her with her cute grey eyes that sometimes seemed so full of life for a brief moment. But as soon as that moment had passed, they looked lifeless and empty again. At least it gave Joana a reason to keep on trying to make her smile. Joana was staring back. It was something she always did when she was interested in someone. The way she could literally not take her eyes of that person was something she had noticed before. And the fact that Lola, who was so not into eye contact stared, back at her, gave her even more of a push in confidence. Joana took her water bottle into her left hand and raised it. “To the fucked up people on this world, Lola Lecomte.” Lola grinned, grabbed her juice box and raised that as well. “To the fucked up.” There it was again, the pause before she said her name. “Joana Bianchi.” God, Joana adored the way Lola said her name. The sound of plastic and paper being put together ended this conversation. 

From that day on, Joana and Lola had a lot more conversations like this. Deeper conversations. Not just them talking about coffee or their favorite music. Talking about stuff like this. About life (not in detail of course, if Joana had known what was going on in Lolas life, their whole relationship would have played out differently), about society and what it meant, about the image of their generation... They had the same opinions on pretty much all of these topics. And again, Joana felt good about having someone around her that was so similar to her. When she first walked into this school she would have never thought she'd meet someone to get along with so well. But now, only 5 weeks into the school year, there was Lola. The greasiest 9th grader Joana had seen walking around that school, but did she mind? No, it was far from that. Lola was actually such a vulnerable, hurt girl. Joana just knew that. Sure, she had walls built up, but someone who was in a similar situation could easily see that she really wasn't so tough. On her first school day, Joana had thought to herself that this girl did not give a single fuck. And she was right to an extent. Lola did not give a fuck about the kind of stuff other kids her age gave a fuck about. Being popular and having many friends was definitely low on her list. She cared about other things though. Joana hadn't found out what those things were, but Lola definitely wasn't as careless as she pretended to be. 

Joana already sat at their table in math class when Lola entered the classroom the next day. It was a Thursday. Their last two periods. Other than usual, Lola didn't look down on her feet when walking towards Joana. She confidently looked into her eyes the second she entered the room. “Dude” she began as soon as she was sure Joana could hear her. The purple haired girl immediately smiled. Seemed as if Lola was in a good mood today. This behavior was definitely not typical of her. Her energy was completely different. “I'm going to a party tomorrow night. Wanna join me?” 

Joana raised her eyebrows in surprise. Lola really invited her to a party? Something outside of school? Her stomach raised the second she realized that apparently Lola really was interested in her and didn't just see as someone she could hang out with at school to not be alone all the time. Lola was looking at her. No, that wasn't really accurate. She was full on gazing. Her eyes seemed to be focused on nothing else that Joana. Joana herself noticed it as well. She smiled. “Tomorrow, huh? Sure, I don't have plans yet.” Lola smiled back at her. Joana had never seen her smile that wide and she was pretty sure her heart would explode if she'd look at her like that for too long. “Cool.” Lola said and sat down next to Joana. “Who's party is it? And where?” “A friend of mine.” Lola answered while taking her notes from the last class out. “Can I get your homework?” Joana pulled it out of her folder and handed it to her. “A friend?” she asked while watching Lola copying it. “Who?” she continued. “You don't know him. He doesn't go to our school.” She paused again. Every other person would have answered to Lola right now. But Joana had learned that this girl took breaks while speaking a lot. And by now she just knew when Lola paused to carry on and whens she was done speaking. Yes, she may have spent too much time paying attention to this girls mannerisms. “We could meet up somewhere and then go there together. If you want to.” Joana watched her writing down the equations. She was gently biting her lip trying to concentrate. Another thing Joana had noticed about her. A smile formed on her face. “Sure” She watched Lola raise the corners of her mouth as well. “Okay” she said. “It's gonna be fun. I promise.”


	4. Chapter 4

Joana was standing by the road next to the entrance of the subway station. Lola and her had agreed on meeting there at 7 and going to the party at 9 or 10. Maybe they were gonna eat something together, just walk around the city, hang around... Joana had to admit it, she was kind of nervous. Did she put a lot of attention into doing to her hair before she left the house? Maybe. Did she stand in front of her closet for at least half an hour trying to pick an outfit that wasn't just a sweater and a pair of jeans? Probably. Did even her Mom notice that she was trying to look pretty tonight and asked her if she had a date? Yes. And did she not deny that suspicion? Definitely. However, as much thought as she had put into her outfit, Lola didn't seem to care about being on time. It was 15 minutes after 7 and she still hadn't arrived yet. Joana tried to not overthink it. Maybe her subway was blocked or she just had a thing at home that had to be done before she could leave. But wouldn't she have texted her then? Joana stopped herself right there. She knew that if she didn't think about something else now, this would end in her drowning in her thoughts again which would eventually lead to her losing it as soon as any minor inconvenience happened. And she really could not deal with freaking out in front of her crush and only friend. She could not risk to lose Lola.

When Joana saw her walking up the stairs from the subway, she almost forgot how to properly breathe. Lola looked so different from how she had seen her in school. When they had class or lunch together she always looked tired and pale. She wore big hoodies that colors had faded a lot already. Her hair had always been greasy. She had never worn make-up. But tonight Lola looked like a completely different person. Her hair didn't look unwashed at all. She had put a part of it into a tiny bun, he rest of it was left open. A hoodie was nowhere to be seen. Instead, Lola wore a tight black cropped top and a clean pair of jeans. She had even done eye make-up. Joana already knew that she would not stop looking at her this entire night. “Hey” Lola greeted her. Joana tried to keep herself from gazing at her too much. “Hey.” There was a short pause in which the two of them just admired each other's outfits. “You look amazing.” Joana started. Lola smiled at her. “So do you, dude.” Joana may have blushed slightly. She really wasn't the type of person to blush. In fact, she wasn't sure if she had ever blushed before Lola told her this. “Wanna go?” Lola asked as it became quiet between the girls again. Joana nodded. They walked down the street next to each other. After they had passed a few restaurants Joana asked “Hey Lola, where are we even going?” Lola turned her head and looked straight at her. “I know a spot.” she said. “You'll like it.” Joana frowned a little. “Alright?” she replied remaining a bit confused. 

The two girls just walked around the city for a good while and talked. Talked about everything and nothing. Joana had started to ask herself if they would ever arrive at the place Lola wanted to show her. She didn't ask though. It was time to trust this girl. Lola just kept talking and talking. She seemed so different from how she acted at school. Her whole appearance, the way she was holding herself... It was like she was a completely different person. As Joana walked next to her, she asked herself if maybe Lola had tried to look good for a certain someone too. Maybe her friend that threw the party. The thought that it could be her didn't even cross her mind. It wasn't like she was gonna get her hopes up for nothing. This had happened often enough already, especially with girls. Rejection was something she really couldn't deal with anymore. 

And then, suddenly Lola stopped. Joana first didn't even notice and kept walking a few steps until she realized that Lola wasn't next to her anymore. “Here.” Lola said. Joana frowned. They were in the middle of a street, surrounded by huge, old and unfinished towers. Then she realized Lola was gazing at a particular building, the one Joanas back was turned to. As she slowly turned around and looked up to the tower, she realized that this was the spot Lola wanted to show her so bad. This old tower? “Alright?” Joana said with a big question mark in her voice. Lola nodded and smiled at the purple haired girl lightly. “Come on.” Before Joana could even react, she had already taken her hand and pulled her towards one of the old, ailing entrance of the building. “W-Wait!” Joana stuttered. “What?” Lola asked without even looking back at her. She was obviously super keen on showing her the inside. “Isn't that like...” This time Joana was the one that took a break while speaking. “Illegal?” Lola chuckled slightly. “Maybe? I don't know.” Joana panicked a little. “At least I was never caught. No one's ever here. No one besides me.” Now they were standing in the hall. It had probably been a lobby or something once. But now everything was covered in dust and looked kind of grey and dirty. Joana understood why Lola liked this place. As she let go of her hand, Joana was left with her fingers weirdly tingeling. How could a touch by a person affect your body so much? This was all new for her. “You know” Lola began. “Everything still works. The electricity, the water, even the lift...” Joana watched her walking around the huge, grey dominated room, towards the lift. “You're not gonna...” Joana started, but the second she said it, Lola pressed the button to call it. Lola grinned in a provocative way. Joana was thinking. Why did she behave like this? What was she trying to prove? Okay, she'd lie if she would say that she didn't like this version of Lola. But why did she act like this? 

The doors to the lift opened. Lola slowly stepped in. She kept smiling like that. She exactly knew that she was confusing Joana. And maybe she even knew what an effect she had on her. “Come on, get in.” she said. Joana sighed. God, why did this girl have such a power over her? “Alright, fine.” She joined Lola who kept smiling like the idiot she was. Lola pressed the button with the number 38. “38th floor?” Joana asked. “The rooftop?” Lola nodded. “You'll love it.” 

And she was right. As soon as the doors opened again and Lola pulled her out of the lift, Joana was left breathless. The tower was the highest building nearby so the two girls could see across the whole city. All the buildings, the churches, the houses, the streets...They could see everything. For at least 10 minutes, the girls just stood there by the edge of the roof and looked down to it all. Lola was mesmerized by he city, Joana had noticed. She couldn't look away. Couldn't tear her eyes away from the lights that started to go on underneath them. As the sun went down, the city started glowing. It was one of the things Joana loved about such big cities was the fact that it never went dark. Darkness was something she feared a lot. If you'd look at her you would definitely not expect that. Joana with her almost black hairline, black clothes and overall attitude. But darkness was terrifying to her. Nights in general were something she was incredibly afraid of. As soon as it got dark outside, it also got dark on her inside. Avoiding certain thoughts became a lot harder. She had no idea why, but by now she had just accepted it and was thankful for the fact that she did not live in the tiny village she was born anymore. Because there, it actually got dark when the sun went down.

Joana could feel Lolas eyes on her after a while. They were still standing right by the edge. She heard Lola chuckle. Something she had never really heard like that before. And right after she realized it, she could feel her insides starting to turn. “You like it.” Lola said. “I knew you would.” Joana turned her head and looked at her calmly. “I didn't say that I like it.” Lola smiled provocatively once again. “You don't have to. I can see it in your eyes.” Now Joana chuckled. “How could you see it in my eyes when you didn't even look at me, you dummie?” Lola pouted ironically. “I did look at you, dumbass.” “Oh yeah? Well, I saw you staring at that city for at least 5 minutes straight.” The smaller girl gave her a look at pretty much expressed ' oh come on '. They both had to laugh. This was a situation Joana definitely did not see coming when she started this school year. 

Some time later, the sun had completely gone down now, the girls sat on the cold floor of the rooftop. It was late summer so the warmth of the day slowly passed away. They had just been talking for a good while. Now Joana was just looking at Lola again. She really could not believe how pretty she looked tonight. Joana frowned slightly when Lola took something out of her inner jacket pocket. A tiny box. As she opened it, Joana saw that it was full of little, colorful pills and something she made up as pre rolled joints. Lola noticed Joanas eyes on the box. “Anything wrong?” she asked while putting the blunt in between her lips. Joana released air in a harsh, audible way. “Nothing, nothing.” she answered. Lola took out her lighter and put it to the joint in between her lips. She slowly inhaled and then breathed out the smoke again. Directly into Joanas direction. The sweet smell of weed was spreading itself in the air. She watched Lola inhale and exhale it again. Apparently she had noticed too. Taking it out of her mouth and holding it in between her index finger and thumb, she asked: “You want some?” Joana wasn't sure. She had never smoked weed in her life. The fear of herself reacting to it badly or it increasing her negative behaviors had always been too big. But here she was now, sitting on a rooftop with the girl she liked, about to go to a party. Who would have thought she'd manage that? So she said “Sure”, took it and inhaled slowly. A tiny cough escaped from her mouth. Lola was smiling at her like that again. “Your first time?” Joana nodded while looking at the glowing blunt in between her fingers. “It's fun, I promise.” “Alright” Joana shrugged and put it to her lips to inhale again. 

After they had finished the joint, they sat there for another while before Lola asked Joana in between a few giggles: “You wanna go? Bet Aymeric already misses me, that guy really can't stand me arriving too late.” “Aymeric, that's your friend who throws the party?” Lola nodded. “So you wanna go?” Joana shrugged. “Sure.” So the two got up and went downstairs again, heading to the party.


	5. Chapter 5

Just half an hour later Joana found herself in one of more rich neighborhoods of the city. Huge houses with pools and portiers that wore uniforms with epaulettes. Joana had never been in a house like that. “So...Aymeric's family has some money, huh?“ she asked while trying to keep up with Lola who seemed to get more energetic with every second. She nodded. “Yeah, his father is the ceo of one of the cities biggest building companies. They built like half of the town.“ There was a pause. Nothing to hear than their shoes on the asphalt and cars driving by afar. There wasn't a lot of traffic in this are, especially not around this time of the day. Because of that, Joana could hear the music coming from the party from almost a mile away. When they finally stood in front of the building she understood why. All the windows of this insane house were open and she could see the many many people inside of it dancing to it. How did the nighbors not call the police yet?, Joana asked herself. “So this is it.“ Lola said and smiled lightly. Joana had seen her smiling more in the span of this one evening than she had in the past month. Like she had already thought multiple times throughout this evening, Lola seemed completely different.

The two girls looked at the house for a moment. Like they had looked across the city just about an hour ago. Maybe not as long and not as intense. People dancing, people drinking, having to scream at each other because the music was too loud. Joana hadn't been to a party like this before. In all her other schools she had never known anyone that could have taken her to one. Everything she knew about stuff like this came from questionable teenage movies. Lola sighed. “So you wanna go inside?“ She reached out her hand for Joana to take her. The purple haired girl chuckled. It was almost ridiculous how many times Lola had made her hold her hand tonight. Miss Lola “I hate physical contact” Lecomte. Of course Joana did not waste another chance of holding her hand though. “Sure.” she said and took her hand.

If Joana had to describe the inside of the house and the party she would have chosen the word “messy”. Yeah, it summed it up pretty good. Everything was just so over the place. People everywhere, music wherever you were (Joana couldn't make out where it was coming from, it seemed like it didn't even come from one particular spot). And the first thing she noticed was that the people that attended this party were much older than her and Lola. They all looked like they were going to university already. Lola who looked like a freaking 6th grader sometimes did not let this pull down her immense confidence level though. She pushed people aside and pulled Joana after her like a NFL-Player on the peak on his career. “Lola where are we even going?” Joana asked. She had to yell, otherwise there would be no chance she could hear her. “I'm looking for Aymeric.” How the fuck was she gonna find that guy in this crowd? The house had 4 floors. All full of people.

Lola pulled Joana through 6 different rooms and 3 different floors before she let go of her hand. The two girls found Aymeric on a gallery, above the hall. He was alone. Not talking to anyone. His arms were resting on the railing, holding a glass of a drink Joana couldn't define closer. He was looking down into the hall watching everyone dance. She knew the look in his eyes. It was the same look Lola had in hers most of the time. That feeling Joana also knew very well. She didn't know how she had imagined him, but not like this. He seemed one or two years older than herself. But sure, Lola didn't befriend every random guy. If she was actually friends with him, they must have had something in common. As soon as Lola saw him, she let go of Joanas hand and ran towards him. “Hey!”, she yelled and punched him playfully. Aymeric turned out grinning slightly. “Hey Lola.” he said calmly. Of course he had to yell, but Joana had never heard anyone scream that calmly.

Something about his smile did not sit right with her though. It wasn't a genuine smile. But not like he faked it. More like he didn't have good intentions. But Joana tried to not judge him. He was friends with Lola so he was probably a decent guy. Him and Lola had a little chat Joana couldn't follow since the music seemed to blast her ear-drums. Then the little brown haired girl turned around and pulled Joana towards her. She put her arm on the taller girls shoulder. “This is Joana.” She paused. “My best friend.” Joana didn't know why, but she froze for a second. Maybe it was because apparently Lola saw their relationship as something special too. Something intense that had built up incredibly fast. But on the other hand, Lola had obviously just put her into the friendzone. She didn't know what to feel. “Hey” she greeted Aymeric who nodded at her and answered with that suspicious smile: “Hey Joana, the best friend. I'm Aymeric.”

From there, Joana kind of lost track of everything. Lola and her had a few drinks, spoke with some strangers (Here, Joana didn't feel like she would embarrass herself. Everyone was drunk anyways). Flickering lights and smoke all around her. And even though Lola obviously knew a lot of people here, she didn't even think about leaving Joanas side. Even after their 3rd round of shots, when they were both starting to really feel the effect alcohol had on their bodies, Lola didn't let Joana be more than one meter away. It wasn't like she was clinging onto her though (Even if she would have done, Joana really didn't mind). She just would not let them separate for a single second.

So they were just having fun. They were dancing, the were laughing, they had a good time. Surprisingly, the music at this party was actually good. They didn't just play nonsense dubstep music. Joana had no idea who was in charge of the music, if anyone even was, but the music was exactly what Joana and Lola wanted to hear. A few times they just stopped dancing to laugh or smile at each other. Maybe Joana was just making it up because she was drunk but there was something between them. Just the way they kept looking at each other. Or more the way Lola was looking at _her_.

“Dude, I need to go to the bathroom.” Lola yelled in between two songs. “Are you gonna come with me?” Joana nodded. No way she'd let her go alone. The two girls made their way to the stairs. “Imma go to the one on the highest floor. That one's empty for sure.” she said and pulled Joana up the stairs with her. They both almost fell on their way but they kept hyping each other up to run up the stairs even faster. When they arrived on the 4th floor, they were both out of breath. For a brief moment they just looked at each other before bursting into laughter. Lola had been right. There was no one up here. Everyone was too drunk to get up the stairs by now. They just sat there and giggled for a good minute. Up here, the music wasn't as loud. It almost sounded muffled. There was no light switched on up here, it was almost too dark to see pretty much anything. The only thing Joana could make out for sure were Lolas eyes. It almost looked like they were glowing in the darkness. This was the first time that they didn't seem grey. They were actually brown. A really light brown, almost a comforting mix of brown and green.

As the giggles faded, the girls just sat there on the parquet floor looking at each other. Joana was drunk, she felt like she was slowly losing control of her body and its movements. She got a little closer to Lola. Lola, who was now obviously staring at Joanas lips. A tiny smile formed on her face as she noticed. For some reason, Joana had always been good at reading Lola. Telling what certain facial expressions she made meant, telling what was going on inside her head. And right now she knew that they were thinking about the same thing. Kissing the other one. Lolas eyes left Joanas lips and were now looking directly into her eyes. They both weren't giggling anymore now. In all seriousness, Joana slowly leaned in. Just to see if Lola would do the same thing. And she did. Joana caught her looking back at her lips for a brief moment before closing her eyes and leaning in further. Joana did the same thing. The tension inside of her belly almost tore her apart. She had never kissed a girl before. Was it gonna be different than kissing a guy? What if Lola hated it? Was she even a good kisser? What if she was terrible at it?

These thoughts all turned out to be unnecessary though. Just as Joanas and Lolas lips gently touched, the door to the bathroom directly in front of them was opened harshly. It was Aymeric. Lola and Joana pulled away from each other immediately. “Dude, what the fuck are you doing up here?” Lola asked, obviously upset about him interrupting them. Aymeric took a moment to answer. He rubbed his nose and snuffled, as if it was running. Then he grinned again. That weird grin he put on every time he wanted to seem friendly (it didn't work). “Best friend, huh?” he asked provocatively. Joana didn't even react. She wasn't able to right now. Lola got up and pushed him playfully. “For real, what are you doing here?” Aymeric raised his eyebrows as if he was to say ' you know exactly what I'm doing '. Joana interpreted it as the fact that he had a girl with him in there. If she only had known what was really going on...

Suddenly, the look on Lolas face changed. The confidence and happiness that had been on it the entire night were gone. And there she was again. The Lola Joana had met in the first day of the school year. “Oh yeah?” she asked and tried to look into the bathroom. Joana wasn't even part of the situation at this point. She just sat there and watched the scene. Aymeric nodded. “Wanna share?” he asked. Alright, so he didn't have a girl in there. What else was it then? Lola was obviously thinking. She looked down for a few seconds, then looked back up at her friend and nodded. “Then come in.” Aymeric opened the door a bit wider, so Lola could step in. “Wait here for a second, alright?” he said to Joana and left the door ajar.

Joana just sat there for a couple of minutes. Why she didn't just stand up and opened the bathroom door? For some reason she felt like all the strength inside of her had left her body the second Aymeric had interrupted them. They really would have kissed. She could still feel the touch of Lolas lips.

When the door opened and Lola stepped out again she was different. Different from the Lola she had been tonight. Different from the Lola Joana had met. It was a completely new Lola. She closed the door behind her and just stood there staring at the wall in front of her. Joana slowly got up and looked her, kind of worried. “Everything okay? What did you guys do in there?” Lola didn't react at first. But this time it wasn't because she was thinking about what Joana had said. It was because the information took that long to get to her. Lola looked at Joana again. She slowly started to grin. “Come on, let's go back downstairs. I wanna dance again. Hear that song? That's Tame Impala. That's perfect.” So she took Joanas hand and pulled her back downstairs to the dancing crowd.


	6. Chapter 6

The two girls ended up on one of the houses balconies around 1am. Joana didn't have any more drinks from the point Lola returned from the bathroom on. Something was up with her and she didn't want to lose control in case anything would happen. Now she watched her put a cigarette into the corner of her mouth and slowly lighting it with shaky hands. Their legs were in between of the railing's struts, dangling from the balcony. Lola was holding onto it with her free hand. Probably to not lose her balance. It had happened a few times already and Joana had to hold her so she wouldn't fall. Lola slowly closed her eyes and pulled on her cigarette. Joana still watched her. “Everything okay?” she asked carefully. Lola nodded. “I'm fine. I'm really really good actually.” she answered and inhaled again. They were alone, like actually alone, for the first time since coming to this party. Joana looked down to her shoes. This wasn't her Lola. Something about her energy was completely different. The look in her eyes was one Joana had never seen before. She wasn't able to tell what it expressed, but it wasn't something Lola would normally express. “I think we should leave, Lola.” she said calmly. Lola raised her eyebrows at her friend. “Already? But it's so early. The fun only starts now.” Joana shrugged. “I'm tired.” Lola quickly pulled on her cigarette and chuckled. “Tired? You should drink some more or something. I'm gonna drink some more. Want me to get us drinks?” There were no pauses. This really wasn't her Lola. “Dude,” Joana began. “That bathroom upstairs” “The one where Aymeric was?” Lola interrupted her. “Yeah.” she continued. “What did you do there?” “What do you mean?” Lola asked and put her cigarette out on the stone floor of the balcony. Then she threw the end off into the garden beneath them. “Lola, you've been acting like a maniac ever since. Did you take something?” Lola shook her head excessively. “You're making something up, Joana.” 

Joana put a hand on Lolas shoulder and forced her to look at her. She couldn't believe that she was the mature one here. She was the one who was worried. Normally, in the few friendships she had built in her life, she had never been the one being responsible for anything. The darkness around them seemed to eat them up slowly. Lola stared at her for a brief moment. And there was one thing in particular that Joana could see in her eyes. Fear. The fear of something Joana couldn't make out. She had never seen fear in Lolas eyes. A lot of negative emotions, but not fear. Joana opened her mouth to say something, but eventually had to realize that she did not know what to say. So she quickly took her hand from Lolas shoulder. She looked down slowly holding onto the strut as if her life was depending on it, her chuckles were turning white already. Joana sighed. 

And there it was again. The comforting silence the girls enjoyed so much. No one felt like saying anything so they just didn't. It was as simple as that. The two girls just sat there listening to the bass of the song playing inside of the house and the wind in the crowns of the trees around. “You really don't want to go home, Lola?” Joana asked calmly. She really tried not to seem pushy, it really wasn't what Lola had to deal with now. Lola shook her head. “I don't.” There was a pause. Joana was thinking. Now that they had sat there for a while, Lola looked more tired, more exhausted, more the way she had looked when Joana first saw her on her first school day. She was coming down again. And then she realized that maybe Lola just didn't want to go to her home. Joana was aware of the fact that Lolas home life probably wasn't as easy as hers. All she had to deal with were parents that cared too much. She didn't know what Lola had to deal with but it was probably worse than her situation. 

“What if we go to my place?” she suggested carefully. “My parents are asleep, they're leaving early for work tomorrow. Both of them. It would be just you and me.” Joana paused to give Lola time to think about it. It became silent again. At least she didn't say no right away, Joana was thinking to herself. Lola stared into the dark for another while. There wasn't even anything to be seen nearby, just the darkness of the backyard but Lola kept staring at it like there was something Joana couldn't see. A few more seconds passed and Lola took out her tiny box from the tower again. Joana watched her taking one of the joint out of it. Her hands were still slightly shaking, she was struggling to hold the lighter close enough to the end of it. After a few tries Lola put it down in frustration and sighed. Joana just watched her. “Wait” she said, still as cautious as a few minutes ago. “I'll help you.” She took the lighter out of Lolas left hand and lighted the joint herself. 

She noticed Lolas gaze on her once again. “Thanks” she mumbled and inhaled from the blunt. Joana leaned forward to take the joint out of her friends mouth. “Why are you like this?” she asked. It wasn't even a serious question but as Joana put it to her lips Lola looked down and shrugged weakly. The two girls sat there in silence smoking the weed alternately. After Lola had snipped the end of the joint into the empty backyard she sighed and finally let go of the strut for the first time since they sat down out here. “Alright.” she said. “Let's go to your place, Joana.” 

  
The way home seemed like an episode to Lola. She didn't remember much of it. Just that she kept clinging onto Joana like her life depended on it. And maybe it even did. When she was with Joana she felt different. She didn't feel like a burden or a disappointment to her. She had no idea what had been going on before she came to the school. She didn't know what went down last year. To her, Lola was a blank page. Lola couldn't remember how they got to her apartment, maybe they had taken the subway, but when she stepped into Joanas flat it felt like she was finally safe. Like the weight she'd been carrying around all the time was taken off her shoulders. Joana had somehow managed to get her to her room without making too much noise. Lola didn't know how she got into Joanas bed or when Joana had given her some comfortable clothes to sleep in. But when she woke up next to her best friend the next morning she realized that maybe she didn't just wanna kiss her because she had been drunk. Maybe she liked her for real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiny POV switch at the end because I wanted to show a bit of Lolas perspective for this part. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading this. If you did, don't hesitate to comment; comments are what motivates me the most :)


	7. Chapter 7

Joana woke up to the subtle sound of cars driving by outside and birds cheering. Before she even opened her eyes she knew that the window had been opened. It must have been Lola who had done it since Joana didn't remember doing so last night. Lola had almost thrown up on her so she had to watch her while trying to go through her clothes to give her something comfortable to sleep in. Joana wouldn't let her friend sleep in her street clothes, full of the smell of strangers and alcohol she spilled on herself throughout the night. She blinked and reached out to Lolas side of the bed. Yet the only thing she could feel next to her were the soft sheets and emptiness. Joana immediately sat up. Where was her best friend? She got up in worry mumbling “Lola?”, still half asleep. Tried and a little drained from last night Joana staggered through her room and opened the door. Her bare feet on the cold wooden floor made quiet tap sounds while she was walking. “Lola?” she asked again, this time louder and clearer. For a second, the idea of Lola just leaving like that seemed like an actual possibility. This girl sneaked out a lot, Joana knew that. Her insides started to turn by only thinking about Lola leaving like that after waking up. But then Joana walked around the corner into the living room and saw her. Her best friend was just standing there on the balcony of the flat smoking. Like nothing had ever happened. Like this was _her_ home. Like Joana didn't basically carry her home last night. Like she didn't almost throw up on her bed. Like she didn't do some kind of drugs in that bathroom. Yes, she hadn't confirmed it but Joana knew. She just knew. It wasn't assuming, it was knowledge.

Joana slowly walked up to her. Lola didn't even notice her standing behind her. Or maybe she did and just didn't wanna talk to her. “Good morning.” Joana said, her voice still raspy from all the yelling of last night. Her friend didn't bother to turn around and look at her. “Hey.” she said quietly. With the cars driving by down on the road, Joana had a hard time even hearing her. “You're up already?” she asked and sat down on one of the chairs her parents had placed there. “It's so early, did you even sleep?” she continued as she realized Lola wouldn't answer. She nodded slightly. There was a moment of silence. Joana didn't know if Lola was mad at her or if she was simply hungover, both could have been the case, and the feeling of guilt started to spread inside of her.

If Lola was mad at her, maybe she had done something wrong. Lola would decide that she didn't wanna be friends with her anymore and Joana would end up alone again. Without friends, without someone to talk to. She tried to hide it, especially at her new school, but she was a sensitive kid with an incredible fear of losing people. One of the reasons she had been trying to avoid to even get close to anyone. And Lola would realize that soon too. Joana knew that she'd see this side of her and decide that she was clinging onto her too much. This way of thinking might seem over dramatic and delusional to people whose mind did not work like this, but it simply was Joanas way of thinking. It always ended with people leaving her.

“Should I make us some breakfast, Lola?” she asked carefully. She really did not want to push her. Lola threw the end of her cigarette off the balcony down onto the sidewalk of the street. Then she slowly turned to Joana. Now that she finally saw her face for real, she realized that Lola really was hungover. Her eyes were bawling red, as if she had cried, the bags under them were bigger than her eyes themselves. Her skin tone had turned into literal grey and her eyes didn't shine the least anymore. She looked like a completely different Lola again. Even worse than the Lola Joana had met on her first school day. “Coffee?” Lola asked. Her voice was still so low, Joana could barely understand her. “Sure.” she replied. “Don't you want to eat something? You must be hungry as fuck.” Lola shrugged and sat down on the second chair that was placed right in front of Joana. “Alright.” she said an started to fidget her fingers again, just like she had done it when the two girls had first met.

Lola left Joanas apartment as soon as the girls had finished breakfast. Joana made her take a shower while she baked pancakes (the only thing she was able to make in the kitchen). When they sat there on the balcony eating them, drinking coffee in the comforting silence they were able to create, it seemed like the world was okay. Like they were okay. There was nothing to worry about. Lola was obviously still feeling like shit, but at least she didn't look like she way dying of starvation and a headache anymore. “You know” she said in between “your baking skills are definitely expandable.” Joana chuckled slightly. “You're trying to tell me that you don't like my pancakes.” Lola shrugged and raised her eyebrows ironically. “I wouldn't say it out loud.” Joana punched her playfully. It was a weak punch though. Lola looked like she was gonna break if she hit her too hard. However, when she left she had hugged Joana and whispered “Thank you” into her ear. The two girls had never hugged before. It was Lola who initiated it. Lola 'I avoid every form of physical contact possible' Lecomte. Joana was able to smell the scent of her own shampoo on Lola. Feel her tiny, thin arms around her. The grab of Lolas fingers on her back. This wasn't just a hug between two friends. Joana wasn't sure if it was just her imagination but for some reason this felt different. More intimate. But she did remember they had almost kissed the night before, so maybe she was right about it after all. Maybe there was something more between them.

The two girls saw each other again on Monday. Joana was thankful her first class of the week was with Lola, it felt like a refreshing and maybe even inspiring way to kick off the five days she was gonna spend in this hell of a building. Calling greasy, depressed, little Lola inspiring might be bold, but being around her made Joana happy. Happy and anxious at the same time. Having someone close to you always meant that you had something to lose. And ever since the party, Joana felt like Lola would eventually start to see her the way she saw herself. She just knew this would ruin everything. It would ruin their friendship, or whatever this was turning into... But Lola just acted like nothing had ever happened. Again. She greeted Joana with a quick “Hey”, then sat down, asked for the homework and copied it in silence. The other girl however didn't talk about the weekend either. They both just pretended it had never happened. Their almost-kiss, Lola doing drugs in the bathroom, their balcony talk, their way to Joanas apartment, the morning after... It was all just shoved down and not talked about.

This went on until Thursday. The two girls had gotten lunch together the entire week, but had barely talked. Joana had been growing an intense fear of them falling apart throughout these days. The silence between them wasn't comforting or enjoyable anymore. It was tensed. It was intimidating. It felt nothing like how it used to be before. But when Joana was in her fourth period (History class) and asked to go to the toilet, everything changed yet again. When she stepped into the nearby girl's bathroom, she immediately realized the tiny room smelled like weed. The sweetness of it, took her back to the rooftop. Back then, everything had still been normal. One of the doors was locked, seemed like someone had sneaked out of class to smoke some pot.

While Joana was washing her hands, she heard the door unlock. At first it seemed it weird to her that the person was coming out now that she was still here (She herself would have definitely waited until the bathroom was empty again). But then she looked at herself in the mirror, trying to fix her hair, when she suddenly saw the reflection of Lola standing behind her. Joana couldn't resist to chuckle. “Of course, it's you. Who else would skip class to smoke pot in a bathroom?” But Lola didn't laugh with her. She was just standing there, eyes red, her eyes stuck on Joana who was now drying her hands with some paper towels. She froze, as soon as Lola opened up her mouth and said: “You know, I`m happy to see you.” Joana paused for a second. She had quite a presentiment of what was going to happen here. For some reason she just knew. Like she did so many times when she was with Lola. Joana threw the paper towels into the trashcan next to the sink. Lolas gaze was still stuck on her. Wandering all up and down her. Taking in every little detail. Joana raised an eyebrow. “Everything okay?” Lola looked up from her lips. She nodded. She stepped closer. “I need to tell you something.” Joana didn't say anything back, she was too caught up in the eye contact with the younger girl. Lola had to look up to her in order to lock eyes properly, right now, she seemed even smaller than she actually was. Squinting her eyes, it almost looked she was mad. Was she mad at Joana? Thinking about that for a second, she realized Lola had said she wanted to tell her something. “Okay?” she answered with a huge question mark in her voice.

Lola stepped closer once again. Now she was almost close enough that just a tiny lean in would be enough for their faces to touch. Joana felt her boy tensing up. With the distance between them getting tinier and tinier, Joana panicked. She had been good at forgetting that she was crushing on Lola, but just like when they had almost kissed at the party, it was impossible to get anything else on her mind right now. Anything else than Lola and her perfect, so soft looking lips, flawless skin and the adorable smile she tried to hide all the time. And Joana felt the desire grow inside of her. At first it was just a subtle feeling in her stomach, but it grew bigger and bigger with every second that Lola was looking at her like that. Her heart was beating so fast she couldn’t get a decent breath. Her head that just seconds before had been full of unasked-for thoughts was now buzzing with anticipation. She could almoat feel Lolas breath on her cheeks. 

And then, suddenly, without any warning. Lola got on her tiptoes, then grabbed Joanas black shirt with her left hand, pulled her a few centimeters closer so their lips touched and simply put their lips together. Just like that. Like it was the easiest thing in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i gotta admit, i was too lazy to go back and read to look out for any mistakes i might have made. so if you see something, feel free to point it out to me :)


	8. Chapter 8

As soon as their lips touched, Joana could feel everything around her stop. Not that there was much around them, they were still in a school restroom, but when she felt her lips against Lolas she forgot about everything else. She didn't think about all the baggage she carried around all the time. She didn't think about how messed up she was, which was something that had turned out to be really hard in the past few months. It was like kissing Lola was everything she needed to feel happy. To feel free.

It really didn't take more than that one kiss the two shared that day for them to get together. Or, at least Joana thought they were together. They never really addressed it. But they secretly held hands in math class, kissed and made out when they were alone and met up outside of school to do cheesy stuff like going to the movies or just walk around the city, like they had done the night before the party. From the outside, it maybe did not seem like an actual relationship but to Joana, it was. Maybe they were just friends with benefits, but she simply didn't care about that which was honestly really impressive considering how much of an overthinker she was. It didn't matter because it was no secret that Joanas feelings for Lola were mutual. Just like with all the other things in their relationship, they hadn't talked about it, but it was just clear. There was no need to talk about it since the look in their eyes; the desire, the admiration, the rawness...it described everything perfectly. Their relationship worked out perfectly in the first few weeks after the kiss. The innocence yet growing lust of a first love was enough for them to work at this time. They mostly just spent a lot of time goofing around. Having fun. Watching movies together. Just being around each other without talking. Listening to music at Joanas place. Lolas place however, was still a mystery to Joana. It was something that wasn't talked about though. That Lola never spoke about her home life was kinda concerning to her, but forcing her to do so was something she would never dare.

Something that was surprising to Joana though was that the fact that they were both girls was never a problem. Perhaps it was because the both of them already had enough to deal with. Or because they had each other. But thinking about how it was never brought up and was just treated the same way any other relationship was, warmed Joanas heart. They didn't dare to tell anyone else though. They were both already made fun of and judged by the other students enough. They didn't need anything more to pick on them. And their parents? Well, Joana didn't know about Lola because she simply didn't talk about them, but she herself hadn't told it them either. If they were smart, they would get the hints Joana dropped from time to time. But Joanas parents probably wouldn't even care about it. When it came to things like these, they were, surprisingly, more than chill.

It was one of those days, maybe about two weeks after their first kiss, when they were hanging around at Joanas place after school. Her parents were both at work, the girls had tried to cook something but it just ended up in a disgusting mix of groceries they had found in the Bianchi's fridge thrown into a pan. So they just ate Ramen that had already passed its sell-by date Joana had found it in the back of one of the kitchen cupboards.. Lola had turned out to be an expert when it came to instant noodles. She had left some of it uncooked and sprinkled the food with it before eating it. Joana was surprised when it actually turned out pretty delicious. Now they were sitting on the balcony of the flat trying to do their homework. Or more like, Joana was doing it and Lola copied it while smoking. The cigarette was just gently dangling from the corner of her mouth as she occasionally inhaled and let the smoke out of her throat again. Joana let out a light chuckle looking at her. Lola looked up from her notebook slowly. “What are we laughing at?” she asked while taking the cigarette out of her mouth to talk clearer. “I don't know.” Joana answered. “I just find it funny. All of this.” Lola frowned slightly, obviously questioning this statement. Joana put down her pen and looked at her girlfriend for a few seconds without saying anything. Then she gently put her hand on Lolas cheek, bend over the table and kissed her softly. She tasted like cigarettes and a brief remain of picante beef Ramen. And for some reason just this mix was something that captured Lola Lecomte really well. Cigarettes, a remaining smell around this girl. And Ramen, something Joana had never associated with her before but now, after she had turned out to be an expert in them, would never not remind her of Lola.

The kiss lasted longer than Joana had intended it to last. Before the two girl even realized, Lola had put her cigarette in the ashtray that originally belonged to Joanas grandfather to hold Joanas face with one, and onto her sweatshirt with the other one. It was like saying: “I'll never let you go.” And these little interactions were what made Joanas heart so full. It was like, the first time in her life, someone was really holding onto her. Like she finally meant something to someone.

When it was probably halfway through October, Joana had visited Lolas home for the first time. Lola had just come up to her one day and said: “We can go to my place today.” No doubts, no regret, no shame. It suddenly seemed like her home life didn't matter at all. Like she hadn't been avoiding talking about it or just revealing anything about it ever since they had met. It was something that fascinated Joana about her so much. She could never predict what was gonna happen next when she was with Lola. So she had just smiled and nodded. Lolas flat was located a bit further away from the school than Joanas, they had to take the subway. It was a bit smaller than hers but for some reason it wasn't the way Joana had imagined it. A little all over the place, small; but really cozy. Bookshelves and CDs all over. With how much Lola had tried to avoid letting Joana know anything about her home, she had expected way worse things. But not even 2 minutes being there, she realized what was the actual reason Lola didn't want her to see her home. The girls had just arrived at the flat and taken off their shoes and jackets at the entrance, when a door down the hall was opened and a woman stepped out. A woman that looked so much like Lola that it freaked Joana out for a second. It was like she was looking at an older version of her girlfriend. An older, sadder and more drunk version. Yes, this woman was obviously drunk. The bags under her eyes were so huge that they were almost taking up all her cheeks. She was barely able to walk straight and apparently she hadn't even noticed the presence of her daughter and another girl.

Joana heard Lola sigh. She didn't even bother to greet her mother. The next second she just took Joanas hand and pulled her, down the hall, past her mother who was almost struggling to stand at this point. They hadn't talked about it. Ever. Joana had found out why Lolas home life wasn't the easiest. Based on her reaction to seeing her mother like this, it was obvious she had an alcohol problem and Lola was just annoyed by it at this point. It wasn't new. She had probably been like this all through Lolas childhood. However, Lola being frustrated had led to a heated making out session Joana had stopped as soon as she realized where this was gonna go. And she did not plan on losing her virginity in the middle of the day, with Lolas drunk mother right next door. She had gently pulled away from the kiss, taken Lolas hand that had slipped under the fabric of her shirt, looked into her eyes and softly shaken her head. The girl in front of her had just nodded in understanding and asked if they wanted to watch a movie then.

It was after this when their relationship started to go down. It wasn't like something about it all had indicated it. This was just the last innocent, all happy day they had together. After that, everything changed.


End file.
